The Soul's Speed Limit

At church yesterday, one of our pastors (Pete) started a series called 'Weary World Rejoices.' The title of the series is from the lyrics of the Christmas carol 'O Holy Night.' Ya know, I've sung that song a hundred times and I've never really heard that phrase in its lyrics before. The sermon yesterday talked about how God is for us and He is still active today. Pete referenced Isaiah 40:1 ('comfort, comfort my people'). In reference to weariness, he said he firmly believes that we're killing ourselves due to the speed at which we live our lives. He mentioned our souls having a speed limit. A speed limit for our souls. That makes me pause. He talked about being squeezed -- especially at this time of year. We try to squeeze everything in and then we clap our hands together in prayer, cry out to God for help, wait...3 minutes...and when He doesn't answer in time, we're off and running again.

I'm guilty of this.

I started reflecting on my mindset of late. My request that God would stretch me/us. It made me start asking myself if it's possibly for a person/family to be stretched without being squeezed. Can JD and I parent six children without squeezing our family into an unintentional vice grip? Some would unequivocally say no, we can't.

I don't know if others of you notice this pattern in your own life, but it seems every time I travel, my resolve is challenged somewhat. Considering that we traveled to Tennessee for Thanksgiving, I left the safe, cocoon of my life's routines, patterns and ways. I didn't have my daily time curled up in the corner of my couch to sit with God and wrestle things out. Not everyone believes or embraces the thought of an enemy out there wanting to devour every bit of joy in our lives, so I respect if this statement doesn't resonate with some. But I firmly believe this. I bring this up to say that every time I get away from home, I find myself a little wimpy in my convictions. Sometimes I'm with others who challenge my beliefs. In many ways, this is a good thing. Sometimes it's simply because I'm away from my typical routine. I don't want to live in a bubble. But I also don't want to return from a trip without my resolve intact.

There were times this past week when I wondered if adoption was the right path for us. This, I'm sure, was due partly to the fact that I didn't get with God for the encouragement and clarity that I so need, but it was also due to the fact that our Jackson has turned on the heat. In the last two weeks, that child has become a fit-throwing, tantrum-ridden boy. I was sure we were passed this stage. I was sure when we went through it with Brooks a year ago that Jackson wasn't going to go through it. Why at the age of four instead of two or three? Who knows. Nonetheless, JD and I have had our patience tested in the last two weeks like we haven't had it tested in nine months or more. Jackson will learn, as Brooks did, that disrespecting us, talking back to us and generally not doing as he's told, will not be tolerated.

But I bring up how the enemy likes to sap our joy because he jumped on the chance to fill my head with doubt and deception about how we'll handle children with behavioral stuff like Jackson's going through with five other children to tend to. He tried to fill my head with thoughts of inadequacy. He tried to convince me that we're not equipped. He tried to make me doubt that this is God's design for our family. Well, this is God's design for our family.

Period.

Pete's sermon yesterday reminded me that God is for us. And God is active. That means that when I cozy up to Him in the mornings and pray for Jackson to have an obedient heart and for me to have the patience to deal with him with grace, that I know He hears me and He's for me. I know He wants me to parent with Him at my side. I know He will arm me with encouragement so I can battle back against the enemy's lies.

There are two children out there that are meant to be part of this family, dog-gone-it! And I will not let an enemy steal the joy we will have with them as part of our family and mostly steal the joy, peace and love they will have when they can lay their heads on their pillows at night and sleep peacefully knowing that the reason they're part of our family is because God is for them!

[Our social worker will be coming to our home Thursday at 3:00 for part 2 of our home study. I'll let you know how it goes].

Whata Guy

I think we felt a little blindsided by God's revelation that we were to adopt. And that we are to do it now. Not later. But I think we in turn blindsided people with the news -- especially our parents.

But one person gets props for his reaction. He's the most unlikely of people. Or, if you knew him, maybe not. We're not related by blood, but he loves our children fiercely and they love him with abandon.

When my mom told my stepdad, Allen, that we're adopting, he said,

"Well, if these children need parents, they'll need grandparents too."

You gotta love him. He has a huge heart for kids. And a heart for filling kids full of sugar. ;)

_____________________________________

Things continue to move along. The more I understand this home study process, the more I think we're moving along pretty well so far. Here's the latest:

On Friday the 19th, I...

...sent off Application A (the first part) to Wide Horizons complete with six photos, one of each of us. Thank God for our new photo printer. No more racing up to Walgreens to fetch photos from One Hour Photo.

...I also dropped off our children's medical forms at the pediatrician's office. They said they would be done by Tuesday the 23rd, but we're heading out of town for Thanksgiving. I told them I'd pick them up the following week.

...got a call from our dear friends who said they got a letter from Jewish Family Services (our local agency) requesting a letter of reference on our behalf.

...I started my autobiography.

Today (the 22nd), I...

...picked up our children's completed medical forms because Ginny (my new friend at the pediatrician's office!) moved them along and encouraged me to come get them lest something happen to them over the holiday. No problem! Thanks, Ginny!

...scheduled appointments for mine and JD's physicals (December 20th). Initially she told me January 17th. Good grief, our home study should be done by then. I mention they're for adoptions and she says, "Oh, that's different." It is? Well, okay then.

...got a call from the social worker assigned to us from Wide Horizons. We will talk in depth after Thanksgiving.

...I finished my autobiography. My gosh! It's five pages, but could've been 50. Seriously. The amount of information they want to glean from us is staggering. One can't possibly cover it all. Ever wondered what this stuff entails? Here are just some of the guidelines they gave us:

Birth Family:

Reflect on relationships with parents, brothers, sisters and other relatives. How these relationships may have changed over time. How was affection provided in the family? How were feelings expressed? Were there any major illnesses in the family? Describe your parent's relationship during your childhood and now? Describe your relationship with your parents. Are they supportive of your plans adopt? If you have a stepparent(s), describe your relationship. Who administered discipline in your family? What form of discipline was used? What values were important in your family? Describe your parents' work history. How were they employed? How did the family make decisions? The quality of your parents' relationship; your most pleasant childhood memories; things you would have changed, etc.

Then it goes on covering the following categories:

Growing Up

Education

Courtship & Marriage

Employment

Adoption

Sheesh.

One interesting thing is that the medical forms (both for us and the children) ask if we are free of any communicable diseases. The children's forms ask if our children's health will jeopardize the health of a child placed in our home. I guess they need to know that in case a birth mother wants to know the ins and outs of the family her biological child could be adopted into. It just strikes me as interesting in the case of international adoption when many children available for adoption have communicable diseases themselves. If the answer were yes for any one of us, could we be turned down? Makes me wonder. Adoptive families can be deemed 'unadoptable'? But a child, in my opinion, should never be deemed 'unadoptable.' Just interesting food for thought.

As the reality of us adopting sinks in, I become more fascinated with the thought that there are two children out there going to sleep tonight and waking tomorrow morning that don't know who we are and that we're coming for them. They don't know that there's a family waiting for them to be a part of it. There's a school that will welcome them. There's a town that they'll grow up in. There's a church that will wrap its arms around them and show them the love of Christ. There are friends and family who can't wait to meet them and who anticipate their arrival almost as much as we do. There's a new life for them here. Hopefully sooner rather later they'll know all this.

The Beam Team Huddle

Here are a couple cool things of late:

A sweet moment in our day is when we gather for the 'huddle' before JD and the girls head out the door in the mornings. JD received this nugget of wisdom a few years back at a men's retreat. The speaker mentioned that he gathers his family each morning and prays a blessing over his wife and children. I can't tell you how stopping to do this each day has not just blessed us, but equipped us, and probably protected us from things we don't even know about, over the years.

In the last year or so, our moniker 'The Beam Team' has really stuck. So in the last few months, Avery has started hollering through the house, 'Time to huddle up!...Huddle time!' (I feel like a football team with one darn cute little coach!).

But the even sweeter part is that now as JD prays over me, Payton, Avery, Jackson and Brooks by name, he says 'and be with our two little ones somewhere out there.' Sweet.

Update on our home study: everything went well. I'm starting to marvel at how we started this process during the busiest time of year. I mean, wow. We have our work cut out for us.

Fingerprinting at the state police station, FBI background checks (yeh, guess they're not in the works yet because they need our fingerprints first!), autobiographies, questionnaires, medical screenings for all six of us, photos of all six of us to include with our Wide Horizons' application, and so on.

Oh, and Christmas shopping, baking and Christmas cards. Hmmm. I'm starting to wonder if I'll get to Christmas cards this year? I love sending (and especially receiving!) Christmas cards.

Our next home study appointment is scheduled for Thursday, November 2nd. Our social worker will come to our home, interview us and Payton and Avery. She'll want to see where the children will sleep (hope that doesn't have to be perfectly in order at this point because then I really won't be getting Christmas cards done!), our fire extinguisher, our smoke detectors, and how our firearms are secured (wish we didn't have any firearms, but I have a husband). :) The girls are so excited.

One last tidbit to make you smile -- at least it did me.

I called our pediatrician's office today to see if I need to bring the kids in for a check-up in order to have these medical forms completed. I told the woman who answered the phone that we're adopting and medical forms need to be completed for our four biological children. The first thing she said? 'Oh, been there, done that.'

'Really?' I said.

She explained that she has 6 children and one is adopted so she had to have forms filled out for her five biological children. Well, I was shocked to find out a month or so ago that doctors now charge for these forms to be filled out! I was appalled, but at least I was prepared to drop 40 bucks to have these filled out for our home study. She immediately whispers, 'We can help you out. My doctor didn't charge me for all of mine because it was for an adoption.'

She was super nice and pulled our kids' charts to confirm that everything was up to speed. We discovered that we have mutual friends! We talked about our churches. I mean, really. She was whispering through half our conversation because she was at work.

I just got so tickled thinking about how God works. It's like the lady at the restaurant that day when I told my mother and grandmother our adoption plans. It's just cool to feel Him in our midst.

May you feel Him in your midst this Thanksgiving.

God Moves

God's still encouraging us at every turn. Here's yet another example.

When I was editing the 'Radical' post a few days ago, I got an email from a friend that said, 'I think I've recommended this book to many of you already.' Her email included a link to her friend's blog -- another family whose lives have been blessed through adoption. I'd been on the blog once before, but not in several weeks. I was curious about this highly recommended book because I'm always up for a good read, so I went over to the blog to find out more about it. You must read this quick post.

http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/11/man-in-mirror.html

Go figure.

Home Study

Now that I have you up to speed on the developments of the last couple of months, I should fill you in on what's happened most recently.

Last week, we completed two first steps. We registered with Wide Horizons for Children out of Massachusetts. They will be our placement agency meaning they will handle the 'country phase' of the adoption process. They will be the entity that handles actually making the adoption happen between the United States and Ethiopia. We also applied/registered with the local agency here in Richmond that will perform our home study. They are called Jewish Family Services and were recommended by friends. We met with our social worker several weeks ago for a consultation and we'll meet with her again tomorrow for our first meeting for our home study.

The home study is said to consist of three meetings -- tomorrow's in their office, a second meeting here at our home and a third at our home (I think -- could be at their office). FBI and CPS (Child Protective Services) checks are being performed on us now. The home study also requires five references. The home study is said to take between 6-12 weeks and depends on how quickly the background checks and references come back. Once the home study's complete, we move into the next phase that will begin the red-tape-laden process of beginning to complete a dossier and starting to work with Ethiopia.

It amazes JD and I to think that there are two children out there that God has planned to have as part of our family since the beginning of time. Since before we even knew it. Wow. I cannot wait to meet them.

I was talking to a friend recently who told me that her neighbor adopted a daughter from Ethiopia a year ago. Her neighbor said going to Ethiopia and seeing her daughter's living conditions (a thatched roofed shack with a dirt floor) affirmed her decision to adopt more than ever. And my friend assured me that when JD and I go to retrieve our children, we will be moved to our core that we're doing the right thing.

So, I sat one day and imagined this moment.

JD and I get off the plane after a ridiculously long day of traveling. We're tired, but energized at the thought of meeting our children for the first time. The air is dry and warm. The smells, sounds and sights are like nothing we've ever experienced before.

There's dust everywhere. Everything is colorless -- no green grass, no flowers, no colorful buildings or cars. No plush trees; no softness. The buildings are all the same hue -- browns, whites, grays. True poverty abounds.

We're driven to the children's home. It is a box; a shell. Children are playing outside, but the instant they hear a car, they all stop and look. It's as if they're wondering, "Is today my day? Is this the day that my parents are coming for me?"

Then we get out of the car and walk into this barren building. We're greeted by a social worker who has the widest, most electric smile. Her whole face smiles. It's the kind of smile you can get lost in. She warmly greets us with a hug and leads us to a room and encourages us to sit and make ourselves comfortable. There are sparse furnishings, so JD and I sit side by side on a small sofa.

We wait.

After a few minutes, we hear footsteps.

Here they come.

The door creaks open and in walks the social worker with the two most precious little girls filing in behind her. We lock eyes. They look to be about 3 and 5. Their heads are shaved and they manage to give us half-smiles. Through a translator, they're told we're their mommy and daddy. We squat down and open our arms wide to them. They each walk slowly, timidly toward us. We gingerly hug them understanding their apprehension.

We're strangers to them.

But only for today.

This is the first day of the rest of their lives.

Today, I weep just imagining it.

Q & A

I know the questions are swirling. Sorry I've been jumping all around. It's all so very exciting. I can't keep my thoughts in a fluid stream.

So, I thought I'd do a little Q & A knowing all the questions people have asked us over the last several weeks. Hope this helps.

Q. What do our children think?

A. Another huge confirmation for us that this is the right direction for our family is our children's genuine enthusiasm. Our girls are old enough to get this and they're thrilled. Our boys are referring to the children as the 'new kids.'

'When the new kids come, we can share our toys with them. And they can live in our house. They don't have a mommy and daddy.'

Hilarious.

Q. Do we prefer certain ages?

A. We're not trying to go back to diapers, sippy cups and high chairs. However, if God has a different plan, we'll adjust. Our request is that the children be between the ages of 3 years and 8 years old. Payton has made it very clear (from the first mention of adoption years ago), that she wants to remain the oldest in the family. Her clarity about this is really quite remarkable.

Interestingly, I was talking to someone at the adoption agency we're using out of state and she asked how things were going with everything. I told her that our children are very excited and that our oldest child has made a very clear request that we not adopt a child older than her. She told me that research shows that birth order is very powerful and that we have a wise and insightful young daughter on our hands. I must agree with her. :)

Furthermore, because we are pursuing 'older' children (as if 4 or 5 is old!), we will be adopting children who are identified as 'waiting children.' If a child is over the age of 4 or 5 they become less-adoptable. I can hardly type that word in reference to a child. But this is the reality. This resonates with us not only because we're not adopting because we're yearning to have more children in the sense that we miss the baby-stage, etc. We feel such a sense of warmth and purpose when we imagine children joining our family who are around our biological children's ages. It seems sweet to us that they'll have instant playmates. I just can't wait to see our biological children embrace the 'new kids.' ;)

Q: What country will you adopt from?

A: At our first meeting with the local agency (Jewish Family Services who will do our home study), we were asked this question. Our answer was basically, 'We don't care. You tell us.' Now we've learned that it doesn't work that way. We choose the country and then the agency pursues that country. Oh. How in the world do we choose a country? After much research on-line, we learned that each country has it's own regulations and stipulations. For example, some countries have a limit on the size of the family it will adopt to (we clearly got the boot right there from some countries). Some countries have lesser travel requirements and some have greater (Colombia, for example, requires that the adoptive parent live in the country for 4-8 weeks with the adopted children before leaving the country with them. yikes). Considering that we already have children, that wouldn't work for us. Russia requires 3 trips! Having said all that, the country that meets most of our needs and has sibling groups available is Ethiopia. So Ethiopia it is!

Q: Will we change the children's names?

A. We think not. Since we are adopting 'older' (I mean is an 8-year-old really old?) children, we imagine their name will be a huge part of who they are. It just seems unnecessary to do that to them in addition to how their worlds will already be rocked. 'Welcome to a land where no one speaks your language, everything's foreign to you, you're missing everything that's familiar to you, your hearts in some ways are broken, but oh, by the way, your name's now Johnny and Suzie.' I don't know, it seems odd. And no judgement or condemnation towards those who have changed their children's names. Truly. I just can't get my head around it right now. But we'll never say never. We just don't know for sure how the children will respond to all of it. Perhaps they will want a more Americanized name or we will come to believe that's of greater value for them than keeping the name given to them at birth? Perhaps we put more emphasis on names here in America than elsewhere in the world. I don't know. I guess it's safe to say the jury's still out on this one.

Q. Have we had the 'race conversation' with our biological children?

A. Yes. They know the 'new kids' (please know I'm not using that in a derogatory sense -- I just think it's sweet) will look different than us and they will not be visitors to our family. They will be their sisters or brothers. I truly think kids' hearts are more open and expandable than ours. Their hearts aren't bogged down with a bunch of garbage like ours are. They just take things as they are. Even faith -- that's why the Bible talks about having faith like a child because they simply and purely believe without all the questions, what ifs and doubts. When have you ever seen a kid over-analyze something? Adults (myself included) are notorious for this. It's a beautiful thing how kids' hearts are ready to receive.

Q. Will we get a new car?

A. We can all fit in our van, but I imagine when it's time to replace the van we'll consider a large SUV again.

Q. Where will we put them?

A. We have a guest room that will no longer be a guest room. :) We're huge believers in the benefit of young children sharing a room, so if we get children of the same gender, they'll share that room. If we get a brother-sister pair, Avery has happily offered to share her room.

Q. How long will the adoption process take? When will you have them?

A. I started off saying a year, but several people have said we might want to prepare for sooner because they've heard stories of very fast adoptions. I have this gut feeling that it's going to be this spring or summer. Don't know why. Maybe because I think that's perfect timing to have the summer with them and all of our children out of school. Or maybe it's because God's trying to prepare me/us.

That's all the questions I can think of for now. Feel free to ask more in the comments if I've forgotten something.

My Head Stops Spinning...Sort Of

JD and I head upstairs to the kitchen and start hashing out where our hearts are. I can't stop crying because I can't believe it. That's it. We're adopting. Just like that. I can't believe he, JD, is on board. Without flinching. This above all else is the greatest affirmation (on an on-going, daily basis) that we're doing the right thing. JD is unwavering. He is grounded in this decision.

This, the man who has expressed concern over the years of how he will provide for our four biological children. I've always felt convicted that finances shouldn't be a deciding factor on how many children we have. (I know, easy to say when I'm not the 'provider', but I am the caregiver and that's a lot of work too!). We're never going to feel fully financially equipped. And as a sweet friend said the other day, it can all be gone in an instant or we can win the lottery (but I guess we'd have to play first, huh?). :) Point being, it's not up to us. It truly is all up to God, so why not be more concerned with staying in step with Him and let the rest fall where it may.

JD and I quickly decided that we're to adopt a sibling pair. One heartfelt stroll down the hypothetical trail of a tragedy befalling upon our family and our children having to be adopted, and their not being able to stay together as siblings, is enough to push us over the emotional edge. We know we're able and capable to raise six children, so that's what we plan to do. Plus, we both believe strongly that if we adopt one, we're likely to want to adopt another down the road. Might as well do both now and bless two children with the gift of staying together forever.

Will we be stretched? Absolutely. But isn't that the point? Wasn't that my prayer? So God is in the business of answering prayers.

You might find the next couple of stories interesting or just funny, but I find them to be affirming. I think God aligns things like this to happen as encouragement to us that we're doing the right thing.

The next night, we had plans to have friends over for dinner. We in no way, shape or form planned on telling people of our recent decision because we'd hardly gotten our minds around it ourselves, let alone told our parents and closest friends. I asked my friend pretty quickly if she'd read Crazy Love because she's a huge Francis Chan fan. I was so hoping to pick her brain about it and even about Radical because she's a thinker and a writer. I just looked forward to hashing this all out with her. These books were at the top of her 'must read' list, but she hadn't gotten to them yet. She asks me why I'm so anxious to process them -- what was so impactful about them? Well, as you know from my earlier posts, I couldn't summarize them well except to say that JD and I had been greatly stirred by them and were trying to discern how to respond to living radically. Her first words out of her mouth were (and I kid you not), 'So what? You're going to adopt five orphans?' I almost burst out laughing. I wasn't going to lie which meant I couldn't contain my smirk. We quickly caved and told them that we were indeed on the path to adoption. They were so very excited for us!

An interesting tidbit here is that this friend had recently come back from a Catalyst conference and heard Francis Chan speak. She said there was a heavy focus on adoption at the conference. In fact, a couple came on stage and presented their child who they adopted as a result of their feeling led to adopt at last year's Catalyst conference! They had their child in just a matter of months! Amazing.

Maybe a week later, after we'd had our first consultation with the local agency here it was time to tell our parents. My mom, my grandmother and I are out to lunch (with no kids...perfect opportunity!) and I tell them that JD and I have decided to adopt a sibling pair. She and my grandmother were wonderfully supportive. After I explained that this only seems crazy to us because we're so caught up in a culture that pushes the agenda that if we work hard enough we can have it all -- the big house, the fancy cars, the luxury vacations, the fat retirement accounts, etc. -- but JD and I have realized that we can radically change two little people's lives by just stretching ourselves. Yes, things will be hairy at times, but frankly they already are! We have four children. In the day-to-day, having six won't be that different. Sure paying for six college educations probably won't be within our abilities, but neither was paying for four. Look, God has this stuff worked out. Heck, some of our kids may join the military, peace corps, become artists, or be missionaries. There's just not enough reason in our minds to not do this. To put it simply: the benefits outweigh the costs. These two children are worth it. And truthfully, we will be the richer ones. Our hearts will be required to expand and that's a good thing. Our family's going to take on a form that's never been done in the history of our families. I impress upon the two of them that there has been multiple ways that God's spoken to us to guide us to this decision. I assured them that this is, without a shadow of a doubt, where God's leading us and I could give them example after example of crazy little things that have happened that have convicted our hearts that this is what we're supposed to do.

Next thing you know, the woman from the booth behind us gets up and walks over. She says, 'I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to eavesdrop, but when I hear someone talk about adoption and foster care, my heart starts to race. I just wanted to recommend this wonderful book to you. It's called The Connected Child. It's a wonderful resource. My husband and I have been foster parents for years. Best of luck to you and your family.'

I thank her profusely because little did she know, I'd been asking everyone (adoption professionals, friends who have adopted, etc) for a great book on adoption because I'm a reader. But God knew.

I look over at my mom and her mouth is practically hanging open.

My eyes well with tears.