missing james

Was looking at some old photos of James today and yearning to hear about him again.  We had a little stretch there where we were receiving photos and videos of him frequently.

Now?

It's just quiet.

Sometimes, frustratingly quiet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing okay.  As are the rest of the Beam Team.

I just want to know how he's doing.

Is he getting stronger?

Is he standing better or still scooting around on the floor?

Is his hair freshly cut or a little on the long side right now?

Is he still okay being separated from his nanny when he goes to preschool?  Or is he struggling being apart from her?

Does he have a clue that it's Christmastime?

To look at his photos -- and into his little eyes -- and know that he doesn't even know we exist makes me sad.

He doesn't even know that we talk about him everyday.  


Every single day.


He doesn't even know that he's already part of our family because he's in our hearts.

This weekend, JD was cleaning out our little attic space and stumbled upon an old 'Tennessee' Christmas tree that his mom had given him years ago.  In true UT fashion, it's a white tree with orange lights, UT ornaments, orange bulbs and a big orange-and-white bow for the top made out of UT ribbon!  It really is fun.  When we were first married we used to put it up in addition to our more traditional tree.  But we haven't pulled it out in the last couple of years.

Well...once Jackson and Brooks learned that it was a Tennessee tree, they were beyond excited at the idea of putting it up in their 'Tennessee bedroom' (this is what they call their bedroom that's trimmed in orange and white and plenty of UT paraphernalia).  JD, being the awesome dad that he is, put up another Christmas tree in this house!  While they were unwrapping the ornaments, Jackson came to me with a bulb that is a picture frame but didn't have a photo in it.

'Momma, we need a photo in here!'

'Okay, what photo do you want to use?  Do you want me to find one that has you and Brooks in it so you both can be on the bulb?'

'No, James.  I want a photo of James in it.'

Huh?  Did his little mind just go straight to James?  He didn't even think of the obvious -- him and Brooks.

'Aww, buddy, that's so sweet.'

So we looked at the various photos and he chose the one he wanted.  I told him it was printing on the printer upstairs and next thing I know I see the back of him as he tore out of the room to go get it!  Then  he's back with scissors and the photo is in the ornament and hanging on the tree in a matter of minutes.

Voila.

My heart is just pointed to Jesus in every moment like this.  I am just in awe at the way God is moving in all our hearts.  It amazes me to see how we love this little boy that we've never met.

I admit that I'd heard it many, many times from adoptive parents.  They'd say how much they love their adoptive child.  How the love's the same as their biological children if they have any.  I hoped it was true.  I wanted to believe it was true, but I wasn't sure.

I'm sure now.