it happened

Today was hard.  But it was good.  Let me explain.

Not to flippantly expose James' personal business, but he was circumcised today.  I'm just gonna say it like it is because if I said, 'James had out-patient surgery today', y'all would be lovingly emailing or commenting or calling wanting to know if he is okay and worrying unnecessarily.

He is fine.  

However, the anesthesia sent our sweet boy into a world of grogginess, cuddliness (yum!) and lots of crying.  Poor baby just cried and cried as he came to.

Today I was gently reminded of just how bonded to us/me James is.  He truly is.  It's miraculous really. He roared when they took him from my arms.  And cried, 'Mommmaaa!' as he dove from the nurse's arms in my direction.  It was so sad and yet so sweet.

Then as they rolled him down the hall into recovery and back into the 'stall' where I was, he cried and cried for me.  I could hear him coming and I sat there waiting on pins and needles.  Y'all.  My arms ached to get him into them.  I sat there during his time away thinking of how I would feel if anything happened to him and I had to chase the thought away lest I choke on the lump in my throat.  Then when he was in my arms and he wouldn't quite awaken and he was so clearly hurting, I yearned to take his pain away.

I wondered if it would happen.

I hoped it would happen.

I prayed it would happen.

But I was afraid to believe it would ever truly happen.  Like for real.  Because what if it didn't?

But it happened.

I love this boy.

And he loves us.

I heard a wise mother say once that she loves all her children differently -- just like she disciplines all of them differently.

Wow.

That makes a lot of sense to me.

I love all my children differently.

But beautifully.  

James is no different.

He is mine.  

And just like it is with biological children, to hear him crying for me and calling my name and then collapsing in my arms and finally being able to calm himself down was powerful and primal to me as his mom.

Wow.

God is good.

 I think back to how close he was to his nanny.  I'm so thankful for that.  His closeness with her is what makes it possible for him to trust us.  But adopting him gave us no guarantees.  We went radically out on a limb.  I know the outcome isn't always like ours, but it's more common than we think.  Children bond to the people who love them fiercely.  Over time, they trust.

And, today, I'm so thankful for that.

I'm thankful for James.

That we went out on a limb for him.

And that he went out on his own limb.

I conclude with these words that I stole from another blogger's pastor:

Aaron Ivey says,

The call of orphan care is not a call to simply "save the orphan". The call of orphan care is to share in the suffering of the orphan. It's to intentionally position yourself, your family, your community, to suffer alongside the orphan. To say, 'Your suffering, is now my suffering. Your story, is now my story. I willingly position myself to suffer alongside you.'

To James, we're honored to suffer along with you.  Thank you for sharing yourself with us.  Thank you for being ours.  Thank you for allowing us to be yours.  

We love you, Jimmy Jam.