honest

I'm going to be honest.

I had a moment last week.  Okay, maybe a couple of moments.  They kind of piled up on top of each other and made for one of those days.

Tears ran down my cheeks as I gazed out the window over our sink as the dishes clanged into the dishwasher.

It was a combination of things.

Petty things, but things nonetheless.  These kinds of things...

Over the last many weeks, I've been driving down the road and seen women out running by themselves...or walking with a girlfriend...or walking their dogs.  

We've been on a waiting list at a pool for two years and were invited to join as members this year.  In considering all the angles, I realized this is not going to work for us.  Then the pity party began: James will be scooting around on the cement?   The pool opens at 11:00 and James naps at 1:00 or 2:00?  I'd probably have to be in the baby pool with him, but our older kids would want to be in the big pool?  I want to be with them too?  Will James have surgeries this summer that will make going to the pool impossible?  And I so often have to consider what is reasonable and doable for me, as a mom.  As one person.  Is lathering five kids with sunscreen, packing snacks, lunches, pool toys/gear, towels, and schlepping everyone to the pool worth it?  If we join, I will feel the burden of needing to get our money's worth.  What a stressor!

And it was kindergarten registration too.  So many of my friends registered their children for kindergarten next year.  Again...honestly...it made me a tad bit sad.  Kindergarten -- elementary school, in general -- is a sweet time.  It's so sweet when little ones head off to school with little backpacks on their backs.  There are times -- there are moments -- when I miss our children attending school.

James has started screaming.  At.every.thing.  He's just fully being a two-year-old and wants what he wants.  There's a huge language barrier.  And, frankly, he's testing and trying.  All two-year-olds do this.  But I think a recently-adopted-two-year-old especially does this.  It's hard because we can only scold him so much.  We can't introduce time out (not enough time home with us yet and we need to be sure attachment is happening before we do something that may feel isolating to him).  It's complicated.  It's hard because we were through with this.  We were done with this stage.  Yet, we wouldn't trade him for the world.  

All these things brought me to tears.

Sometimes it feels like I'm laying myself down as a living sacrifice.  'Me time.'  I hear it all the time.  Sure, I want me time.  Sure I want to go for a leisurely run when all the children are accounted for.  Sure, I'd love to meet a girlfriend for a walk or for coffee.  Sure I'd like to saunter off to the pool and relax for the day.  Sitting with girlfriends and visiting for the afternoon while our kids play and romp practically makes me drool.

I'm just going to be honest...

...it's hard sometimes.

I love, love, love having our kids home with me.  I love having more time with them.  I love that the pace of our life has slowed dramatically.  Our mornings are leisurely.  There's very little rush.  In fact, I do head out for a run most mornings.  That time is so precious to me.  I praise, I worship, I give thanks, I pray.  It's huge.  But there are still times...I can't explain it.  I have to fight back.  I have to resist the voices, the chatter in my head.  The stuff that says, 'You're missing out.  Everyone else has it so much easier -- you could have it easier too.'

I don't talk much about homeschooling because it can be such an area of divisiveness.  I never want to divide.  I don't want anyone to feel judged or judge us.  It's hard.  It's glorious.  It's precious.  It's challenging.  It's what we're doing for today.  It feels right for today.  I can't say what the future holds.

Please don't misunderstand.  Things are good.  I'm just sharing my humanness and sinfulness with you.

James is awesome.  As I've said to others this past week, 'If this is the worst of it, we'll take it!'

By the way, we're headed to his OT/PT evaluation on Monday.  To the international adoption clinic on Wednesday.  And we were accepted to Shriner's in Philadelphia.  It looks like we'll head up there at the end of May or early June for him to be evaluated.

So cool.  He's been feeding himself with a spoon (I strapped it on his hand again -- I couldn't take it!  He's been desperately trying lately!).  The boy is ready.  


And so are we!  :)